How to Turn Towards Each Other: The Power of “Bids for Connection”

A healthy, happy relationship is built not on grand gestures, but on thousands of small moments of connection. These moments are what Dr. John Gottman calls “bids for connection.” A bid is any small attempt by one partner to get the attention, affection, humor, or support of the other. Learning to recognize and respond to these bids—to “Turn Towards Each Other”—is the secret to a resilient and loving bond.

Recognizing the Smallest Bids

Bids are often subtle and easy to miss, especially when you’re busy or distracted. They don’t always sound like a direct request.

1. Verbal Bids (The Statement)

These are usually quick comments or observations that invite a conversation or a shared moment.

• Observation: “Wow, that cloud looks exactly like a ship.”
  • The Bid: “Are you interested in what I’m thinking right now? Will you share this moment with me?”
• Small Stress/Complaint: “Ugh, I’m so tired of looking at this screen.”
  • The Bid: “Do you notice I’m struggling? Will you offer comfort or distraction?”
• Fact/News: “Did you know our neighbor just got a new dog?”
  • The Bid: “Tell me you’re listening to me and care about my small news.”

2. Non-Verbal Bids (The Action)

These are often physical or behavioral attempts to draw you in.

• The Sigh: A big, audible sigh from the couch, followed by a brief look at you.
• The Reach: Putting a hand out or gently nudging your leg with their foot while you’re both watching TV.
• The Look: Making eye contact and holding it a second longer than normal, often with a slight smile or a questioning expression.
• Showing Something: Holding up their phone to show you a funny meme or a picture.

How to “Turn Towards” a Bid

You have three choices when your partner makes a bid: you can Turn Towards (respond positively), Turn Away (ignore it), or Turn Against (respond negatively or defensively). Resilient couples choose to Turn Towards over 80% of the time.

Here’s how to do it with simple, loving responses:

1. Acknowledge and Engage

A successful response validates your partner’s bid and invites them to share more.

• If the Bid is an Observation: Instead of just saying “Uh-huh,” pause your activity and respond with genuine interest.
  • Turn Towards: “It really does! What kind of ship is it? A pirate ship?” (This extends the conversation.)
• If the Bid is a Complaint/Stress: Offer a quick dose of empathy and support.
  • Turn Towards: “I hear you. That sounds frustrating. Do you want to take a five-minute break, or do you just need a hug?”
• If the Bid is a Small Fact: Show them you prioritized their voice over your distraction.
  • Turn Towards: “Oh really? What kind? Is it one of the fluffy ones? Tell me about it.”

2. Use Intentional Non-Verbal Responses

Sometimes, you don’t even need words. A small physical response is enough to acknowledge the bid and let your partner know you see them.

• The Quick Pause: If you are looking at your phone when they speak, pause, look up at them, and hold their gaze for two seconds before responding. This shows they are your priority.
• The Loving Touch: If they sigh or nudge you, respond with a hand squeeze, a quick foot rub, or a reassuring hand on their back. Touch is a powerful form of connection. You can read more about this in our post on The 6-Second Kiss.
• The Open Body: Turn your body and your feet to face your partner completely when they start talking, even if it’s only for a few moments. This is a clear non-verbal signal that you are listening.

check out How to Build Relationship Resilience: Preparing Your Love for Life’s Storms

The Long-Term Power of Small Moments

Why does responding to a bid matter so much? Because every time you Turn Towards your partner, you deposit a little bit of trust and security into your “Emotional Bank Account.”

• When you Turn Towards, your partner feels seen, validated, and loved. This builds trust.
• When you Turn Away (ignore the bid), your partner feels rejected, unimportant, and lonely. This builds resentment.

A relationship with a high balance of positive emotional deposits is resilient. When big arguments or life crises happen, that strong foundation—built by thousands of small bids over the years—allows you to handle the stress without breaking. It proves, moment by moment, that when your partner needs you, you will be there.

For foundational research on this concept, explore the work of Dr. John Gottman on “Bids for Connection.“