Marriage or long-term relationships can be beautiful — a space where love, partnership, and shared dreams flourish. But in the process of becoming “one,” many individuals, especially young Nigerian couples, lose themselves.
Maintaining individuality in a union is not about selfishness; it’s about holding onto the core of who you are while growing together. It’s possible to say “I do” and still say “I am.”
Why Maintaining Individuality in a Union Matters
In Nigerian culture, it’s common for couples to be seen as a single unit. From neighbors to church members, you’re often addressed as “Mr. and Mrs. Okoro” or “the Adeyemis.” While unity is beautiful, losing your sense of self in the relationship can lead to identity struggles, resentment, or burnout.
Marriage is not the end of your personal growth. In fact, it should enhance it. Maintaining individuality in a union ensures you don’t become a shadow of your former self.
Signs You May Be Losing Yourself in a Relationship
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You no longer pursue personal hobbies or interests.
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Every decision revolves around your partner.
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You constantly suppress your opinions to avoid conflict.
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Friends and family say, “You’ve changed,” and not in a good way.
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You feel emotionally drained or invisible.
If this sounds familiar, it’s time to reclaim your identity while honoring your relationship.
1. Understand That Love Doesn’t Erase Identity
Real love celebrates individuality. Your partner should love you for who you are, not who you become just to keep the peace.
“A strong relationship is made up of two whole people, not two halves.” – Esther Perel
Maintaining individuality in a union begins with recognizing that your passions, beliefs, and personality matter just as much as your shared goals.
2. Keep Your Personal Goals Alive
Did you dream of starting a skincare brand in Lagos? Becoming a tech founder in Yaba? Writing a novel?
Don’t give up your goals just because you’re now married or committed. Discuss your dreams with your partner and find ways to support each other’s ambitions.
For tips on building side hustles while in a relationship, check out our post:
👉 Top Side Hustles for Busy Professionals in Nigeria
3. Maintain Healthy Friendships
Friendships are essential for perspective and emotional health. Don’t isolate yourself or cut ties because you’re now in a relationship. Spend time with friends who uplift you and respect your union.
Platforms like MeetUp Nigeria and interest-based WhatsApp groups can help you stay connected with people who share your passions.
4. Prioritize “Me Time”
In Nigerian homes, especially for women, it’s easy to feel like you must always “serve” — the children, the husband, the in-laws.
But carving out personal time isn’t selfish. Whether it’s a solo walk, journaling, a weekend retreat, or watching your favorite series without guilt — it keeps you grounded.
5. Respect Each Other’s Differences
You may love art galleries while your partner prefers football matches. That’s okay! You don’t have to blend into each other completely.
Give each other room to breathe and flourish individually. This strengthens, not weakens, the bond.
6. Communicate Honestly About Boundaries
If your partner expects you to always be available or drop your needs for theirs, that’s a red flag. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect.
Set boundaries kindly but firmly. Let your partner know that maintaining individuality in a union helps you show up better in the relationship.
7. Keep Evolving — And Let Your Partner Evolve Too
Growth is continuous. As you become a parent, change careers, or explore new interests, let yourself evolve.
Support your partner’s evolution too. The couple who grows individually and together lasts longer and loves deeper.
8. Embrace Joint and Solo Activities
It’s important to do things together — go on dates, plan your future, pray or attend events.
But also do things alone:
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Take a solo trip (even just to Ibadan for a weekend)
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Go for a conference alone
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Read different books and share learnings
This blend creates balance.
Final Thoughts
Maintaining individuality in a union is not only healthy — it’s necessary. You can be a supportive partner, a present parent, and still remain uniquely you.
In the words of a Yoruba proverb, “Tí kìlọ̀ ń jẹ̀, kìlọ̀ ṣè kó ni kó lógún.”
(What belongs to you may be shared, but should not be lost.)
Don’t lose yourself in love. Instead, let love reveal, support, and elevate you.
Next Steps
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Share this post with your partner or a friend
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Journal your personal goals and what makes you you
